Meredith Bryan

A year ago this month, Nick, a 31-year-old West Villager from Pennsylvania with short dark brown hair, was laid off from his job as a private-equity salesman at what he called a “mid-tier” bank. As bonus season approached, his prospects did not seem bright. But his spirits, curiously, were. “Being a bachelor who rents in New York, I didn’t have a lot of commitments or responsibilities,” he said. And when a friend who was building a polo club in West Palm Beach, Fla., invited him to come help out for a few months, Nick thought, What the hell, sublet his apartment and hopped on a direct flight south.  read more »

Lube up, lucky ones! Fashion greases its wheels for the Big Week (give us vodka!) with an FIT Couture Council Luncheon honoring popular gal Isabel Toledo, attended by André Leon Talley (the only man in New York who still looks good in a cape) as well as socialite Fabiola Beracasa; designers, buyers, editors and uncertain combinations of all three, including Ingrid Sischy, Sally Singer, Narciso Rodriguez, Jonathan Newhouse, Kim Hastreiter and Tory Burch; their dermatologist, Patricia Wexler; and everyone’s favorite sartorial emcee, Observer muse Simon Doonan! E-mailed Glenda Bailey, editrix of Harper’s Bazaar, “Isabel’s work is like a tango: Every step is incredibly measured and precise, but when it all comes together, all you see is the elegance.  read more »

Gwen Stefani’s pumps will cost you $60 at Housing Works Thrift Shops (do people really pay more? who?), where you can also drop $375 for a Diane von Furstenberg trench—see, we’re working hard to save you from autumn dowdiness! Later, Rent may be about to cease performances, but luckily, carrying the  torch is the East Village play King of Shadows, which tells the tale of “Nihar, a 15-year old homeless gay runaway who claims he’s being pursued by supernatural demons. …” Who isn’t, honey?

[Housing Works Fall Previews, 202 East 77th Street, 5 p.m. to 8 p.m., 212-772-8306; King of Shadows, Theater for the New City, 155 First Avenue, 7 p.m., 212-868-4444]

mbryan@observer.com

So long, summer of suckers! What? You went through a whole summer and your boyfriend still isn’t with a hedge fund? What is going on? Not much going on today—which makes it the perfect day to watch the U.S. Open and think about that weird guy in college who could put a tennis ball in his mouth.

mbryan@observer.com

Labor Day weekend, and already the polo fields have dried up of Argentines, as they’re safely locked away in secret rooms inside Palm Beach cougars’ pool houses, but luckily, you can still catch one last bite, er, glimpse, of Nacho! Everyone’s favorite Argentine polo player and Ralph Lauren model extraordinaire shows up (sans hot Argentine wife, we hope!) for a polo exhibition and celebrity chef tasting with expert marrier, er, cooker, Katie Lee Joel; Four Seasons gatekeeper Julian Niccolini; Sam Talbot of Montauk’s much-maligned Surf Lodge; and “that’s Mr. Chow to you, son,” not to mention “tennis stars in town for the U.  read more »

A “great Tomato Taste-Off” improves any day, in our opinion! Hamptonites, finally tiring of cocktail frocks and Yachtinis and pretending they’re not scared pantless about the debt they’ve racked up renting that atrocious pile in Southampton, focus instead on fresh local produce! Quail Hill Farm has apparently grown 50 varieties of organic tomatoes, all of which will be sampled and ranked by prominent Hamptons herbivores (who may then have to skip dinner!). And for those of us who can only afford oatmeal these days, actual food being too expensive, Sonic Youth plays the last show at McCarren Park Pool before it becomes, you know, a pool again, washing away the high, artfully-rumpled masses and replacing them with squealing schoolchildren (we’re ambivalent on which we prefer).  read more »

Kids in East Hampton are above average, and have their own fancy school to prove it! Today Saturday Night Live cast member Seth Meyers visits the indefatigable Ross School for an evening of comedy. (Watch the laugh lines, sister girlfriends!) Back in the city, cute theatrical gem The Marvelous Wonderettes starts Off Broadway, portraying, actress Bets Malone explained, “the 1958 Senior Prom, and the audience are the student body, so we address the student body as if they are part of the school and include them in the evening’s festivities, and the Marvelous Wonderettes are a last-minute replacement for the Crooning Crabcakes, a boys’ group that was supposed to sing.  read more »

Have you noticed New York ladies have suddenly, inexplicably, started wearing black lace, every day, everywhere? It’s like a Sicilian widows convention has come to town. Cheer up, long faces! Meanwhile mere days before Labor Day, the city is quiet as a mouse, as the L.I.E. backs up with beach-bound Beemers and Botox wagons, filled with worthies whingeing about summer’s “lawst gawsp.” Should you not be among those who cheekily stretched the three-day weekend backwards halfway to July, flip your flops on over to Ars Nova to see the band Windshake, fronted by one Theo Eastwind—a fixture on New York City subway platforms. A press release promises shades of Jeff Buckley and Sting. We’ll be home cleaning our makeup brushes to Fleetwood Mac.

[Windshake, Ars Nova, 511 West 54th Street, 8 p.m., 212-868-4444]

mbryan@observer.com

If you spent August in your underwear like we did, eating taco takeout while ogling Michael Phelps, well, put your pants back on because tonight Bill Clinton mounts the stage in Denver to try to pull off the greatest acting job since Olivier trod the boards. And speaking of hot air, horndogs and nubile lovelies, we’re a week away from Fashion Week, that  twice-yearly influx of underfed Eastern Europeans and their high-heeled, chain-smoking, Emergen-C chugging, town-car-commandeering, American counterparts, who … Gosh, we love puppies! Critter charity Bideawee hosts a parade in Westhampton, featuring face painting and a little red wagon contest, aided by Jill Rappaport of the Today show and Bash Dibra, “dog trainer to the stars,” not to mention a pack of Chihuahuas and Yorkies in Burberry sweaters and Vuitton bags, one of whom will win “Best in Show” (a dog, that is, not an owner).  read more »

Last week, on a bench outside the Bonsignor coffee shop on Jane Street, near where she lives ("that way, on the water," she said, motioning west), Elettra Wiedemann—soon-to-be biomedicine graduate student, international Lancôme spokesmodel and daughter of famed Lancôme model Isabella Rossellini—was describing her latest project, a charity website called JustOneFrickinDay.com.

"Originally we thought ‘JustOneDay,'" she explained. "We wanted it to be inspirational but we didn't want it to be-we wanted to give it a little bit of funk, you know? So we put in the frickin because it made people realize that it was very minimal, actually, and that if you pull together you can actually get a lot of stuff done.  read more »

Jeez, Jimmy Buffett really makes us think we should move to the Keys and drink for a living before global warming claims Florida! Whaddya say? Today, the patron saint of golf-playing, scotch-swilling dads everywhere hits Jones Beach, where the Lipitor crowd welcomes him with upraised arms and open hearts. Meanwhile, those of us lobbying for Klonopin are home on the couch, alone with our Chinese takeout and our Olympics withdrawal and our daddy issues. … See ya in September, sweeties, when the Fifteen-Day Week will be back with some important fashion tips!

 

[Nikon at Jones Beach Theater, 8 p.m., www.ticketmaster.com]

mbryan@observer.com

Share and Sherer alike: The clever foodies at New York magazine are sponsoring the oxymoronic-sounding Highbrow BBQ, catered by former Top Chef contestant CJ Jacobson. “I was kind of surprised to hear the name ‘Highbrow BBQ’ also,” CJ told us, “considering it’s $25 and it’s geared more toward younger hipsters and so forth. I think what they’re trying to do is have some BBQ fare, but not your typical BBQ fare. Like I’m going to do a Moroccan spiced pork taco.” Can we substitute soy, please? Also today: Widely envied fashion mogul and social goddess Tory Burch hosts a private shopping event with charity Girls Quest.  read more »

Yoo-hoo, autumn! Frankly, the last Tuesday in August makes even the Mamma Mia! movie look appealing! At least somebody’s still working for a living, and his name is Billy Idol. See him, hear him, smell him at the Hammerstein Ballroom.

 

[311 West 34th Street, 7:30 p.m., www.ticketmaster.com]

mbryan@observer.com

 

Tory returns: The Lung Cancer Research Foundation’s “Strides for Life” Race gets Hamptonites huffin’ and a-puffin’ for a good cause, by running three whole miles at—gulp—9 a.m.! Honorary chair is Rosanna Scotto, that strangely cheerful woman from Fox 5 news, while the committee includes (again!) Tory Burch, who will be bestowing a gift bag on lucky finishers, not to mention Elizabeth Jennings, daughter of the late Peter; Eugenie Niven, daughter of Sothebys’ Jamie; and towering Vogue-ette Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, daughter of—we have no idea!

[The Cultural Center, Pond Lane & Jobs Lane, Southampton, 9 a.m., www.lungcancerresearchfoundation.org]

mbryan@observer.com

Whither Woodward? It’s your last day to see a photo exhibit by dapper GQ design director Fred Woodward, erstwhile Mississippian, at Vanity Fair photographer Mark Seliger’s 401 Projects in the West Village. Black-and-white shots taken in Canton, Miss. (Mr. Woodward himself is from Noxapater, pop. 500), for a 1986 Atlantic article about African-American northern migration (by a good friend, Nicholas Lemann), the photos predate Mr. Woodward’s hiring at Rolling Stone and subsequent rise to the top of the design heap! Later, the band Yo La Tengo attracts all the skinny jeansters of Williamsburg as if by magnetic force to the empty pool in McCarren Park.  read more »

Trim those bushes, LADIES: The Guild Hall throws a cocktail party chez actress Dina Merrill and hubby Ted Hartley to loosen the crowd up for Saturday’s “Garden as Art” event, basically a voyeuristic garden tour of everyone’s favorite unfriendly little WASP bunker, the Maidstone Club. (Yes, a cocktail party in honor of a garden tour; what will those brilliant Hamptonites think of next!?) Event chair Nina Gillman gaily reported that the tour will feature a “truly wonderful range of gardens,” including the one on the old “Spencecliff” estate. And in a galaxy far, far away—the one where we live—a stage reinterpretation of Last Tango in Paris, heavy on the butter, premieres in the East Village.  read more »

’90s nostalgists strike back: Suzanne Vega—she of “Tom’s Diner” and “Luka” fame—is singing meaningfully at the Brooklyn Masonic Temple. Expect all the Fort Greene gals in their mid-30s, they of the Bettie Page haircuts and slip dresses, swaying back and forth with closed eyes. And at Madison Square Garden, skeletal-looking J. Lo hubby Marc Anthony croons en español. For the highbrow lit’ry set: Megan Hustad, comely authoress of How to Be Useful, reads at book mecca McNally Jackson in Nolita. “I don’t want to bore you, but I was actually crying a lot today, real tears,” said Ms. Hustad when we called her up.  read more »

Karan and sharin’: Designer—and yogi!—Donna Karan helps Hamptonites achieve some inner peace at a “Well-Being” event with her Urban Zen Foundation, at the Ross School in East Hampton (best known for educating the poor mortified spawn of recent divorcée Christie Brinkley). Meanwhile, is it possible that the Americanest food of all is … Chinese? (Somebody get Obama a reservation at Philippe!) So says New York Times writer Jennifer 8. Lee in her newish book, The Fortune Cookie Chronicles: Adventures in the World of Chinese Food (“sprinkled with engaging and poignant stories!” raved our epicurean Managing Editor). Today she pops up at James Beard House for a little lecture.  read more »

The upper class sips pink cocktails in Pucci dresses in the Hamptons, while we’re stuck fiddling with the ol’ air conditioner, nary a benefit or store opening anywhere to amuse us. … Good thing there is table tennis, synchronized swimming and beach volleyball to be watched! (How do we go back to flabby-middled New York men after this fling with the athletic types?)

 

[Beijing Olympics, NBC, www.nbcolympics.com]

mbryan@observer.com

If you’ve spent this hot smelly stew of a New York summer with a bottle of Purell in one hand and a bottle of Zoloft in the other, the aforementioned Fringe Festival’s For Reasons Unknown might be for you! Written by two former concierges at the Mercer Hotel—whose intellect apparently survived their proximity to the international jet set—it’s billed as being about “paranoia, civic responsibility, and poo.” Explained writer-actor Andi Teran: “It’s about Bradley, who lives by himself and is an office drone. He comes home one day, his door is locked, his windows are locked, but there’s a massive poop on his couch.  read more »

Light bulb goes off. Today is so not doing it for us. … (As per usual, we’ll just have to do it for ourself! So empowering!) Let’s see … let’s see (sound of rifling through press releases) … O.K., in Times Square, an as-yet-unannounced celebrity mom—our money’s on Dina Lohan—is auctioning off blue jeans worn by actual celebrities to benefit some charity. Help.

[“Clothes Off Our Back” charity auction by GE, Times Square Military Island, 10 a.m., www.clothesoffourback.org]

mbryan@observer.com

Auletta love: It’s the 60th annual Artists and Writers Charity Softball Game in East Hampton! We called pricelessly named organizer Leif Hope, who assured us that “if a person doesn’t play very well or is not particularly coordinated, I wouldn’t put that person at shortstop or second base.” Smart thinkin’! In its early days, “artists” meant Willem de Kooning and Jackson Pollock; now the definition has been stretched to include ad man Donny Deutsch and comic actor Chevy Chase, both recent years’ participants. But don’t think they’re getting any special breaks. “At one o’clock, we have batting practice, and you see right away if someone can play the game or not,” Mr.  read more »

High so-ci-ety hot-foots it to the East End for the Best Buddies Hamptons Beach Bash held at Anne Hearst and Jay McInerney’s Water Mill digs. (She’s an heiress! He’s an oenophile! Well, how do you do! …) What it benefits: Anthony Kennedy Shriver’s do-gooding organization for people with intellectual disabilities. Whom you’ll fail to recognize: Anne’s comely daughter Amanda Hearst; designer Nicole Miller with her hubby, Kim Taipale; artist Hunt Slonem; PR princess Susan Shin; and some more perfect couples: Tatiana and Campion Platt, Somers and Richard Farkas, and Dayssi and Paul Kanavos. (As is customary in these parts, they’ll be hawking a champion equine at auction.  read more »

Star Snores! Sheesh, shaggy George Lucas is still spinning off Star Wars movies, like an ex-boyfriend that refuses to move on. ... Something called Star Wars: The Clone Wars opens today, and like all deep, socially critical films these days, it’s animated. Meanwhile, we’re still waiting patiently for a St. Elmo’s Fire sequel.

[www.fandango.com for showtimes]

mbryan@observer.com

Allow us to shock you, from our perch in the mainstream news media, with the news that John Edwards, a former presidential contender with ’70s-car salesman hair, may have impregnated a blond woman named Rielle and then blamed it on his friend. Way to go! And speaking of hapless, Cialis-popping politicians getting tangled in the webs of our fair-haired sister girlfriends, John McCain is winning no voters by including Paris Hilton in his advertising campaign, and … Wait, don’t we have some Olympic swimming to watch? If you must leave the house: the Fringe Festival is offering Lecture, With Cello, a one-person drama by playwright  read more »

It's the most fashionable Olympics ever! The fashion industry--usually more well known for lack of nutrition than for athleticism--is now angling for a piece of the Beijing Games. Ralph Lauren outfitted the entire U.S. team for both the opening and closing ceremonies; Lucy Liu posed for an "Olympics"-themed spread in Harper's Bazaar in which she boxed, shot arrows, and weight-lifted handbags in evening gowns; on this week's episode of Project Runway, contestants designed outfits for the American team to wear during the opening ceremonies. And today, WWD reported that Armani will "dress" the blond South African swimmer and Charlize Theron dopplegänger Charlene Wittstock, main squeeze of Prince Albert of Monaco, for various Olympic-related events (not including her, you know, actual Olympic events).  read more »

“It’s all about the wife,” said architect and designer Campion Platt recently, at a benefit on the lawn of Robert Wilson’s Watermill Center in Southampton. “As long as you remember that in life. …” Nearby, Mr. Platt’s wife Tatiana—socialite, former AOL executive and proprietress of the social-tracking Web site FameGame.com—posed for pictures nearby in a strapless white party dress. Mr. Platt held her drink contentedly (a seltzer water; she is four months pregnant).

“I’ve been eating Parmesan and Gouda, but what about stinky cheese?” Ms. Platt, 38, wondered to Sessa von Richthofen Johnson, wife of Page Six editor Richard Johnson. This will be her first child (Mr.  read more »

Horror? Or hipsters! Joyce Carol Oates has not only written 731 novels—she’s also popping up (boing!) in the Fringe Festival, in the form of a theatrical adaptation of her novella Zombie, the jaunty tale of a sexual psychopath (no one under 18 will be admitted!), directed by Thomas Caruso, the same guy who directs Mamma Mia! (The musical, not the unfortunate movie version.) Later, if you’re in the market for a hipster doofus boyfriend, you’ll find plenty to choose from at McCarren Park Pool tonight, as they buzz like flies to a backyard lamp to see Wilco (a band best experienced with Wellbutrin).

[Zombie, the Players Theatre Loft Space (Venue #13), 115 MacDougal Street, http://www.ZombieNYFringe.com; Wilco at McCarren Park Pool, 7 p.m., www.ticketmaster.com]

mbryan@observer.com

Meanwhile, back in hot, smelly civilization, publishing salaries are perhaps still “plateauing,” as evidenced by Random House editor Rakesh Satyal, who we have learned moonlights as a cabaret singer. “Cabaret is intrinsically New York, and publishing is a very New York experience, so when you put them together, it’s a well-matched pair,” Mr. Satyal said. “You think there’s such a wide chasm between you and the people who do it for a living, but New York cabaret is so welcoming.” Mr. Satyal used to perform with well-known Harper publisher Jonathan Burnham, but a job change put the kibosh on that: “He’s now my boss—it was coincidental.  read more »

Is there a Performance artist sleeping on your couch? Are you sure? Check again—look in the crannies. Because the Fringe Festival, the self-described “largest multi-arts festival in North America!” (if that doesn’t get the heart pumping …) is in town. This year’s lineup includes watershed theatrical events such as Perez Hilton Saves the Universe, Nudists in Love: A New Musical, and our personal favorite: Blanche Survives Katrina in a FEMA Trailer Named Desire. As Granny always said, “One girl’s fringe is another girl’s festival.”

[Fringe Festival, August 8-24, www.fringenyc.org for schedule]

mbryan@observer.com

After an exhausting weekend guzzling vodka cocktails and posing for pictures in pastures, we heed the call of the Olympics, settling down in front of the jumbo flat-screen with a plate of pork bellies and a box of wine.

[Beijing Olympics, NBC, www.nbcolympics.com]

mbryan@observer.com

Oil Up the Gwynnie! Fashion photographer Steven Klein, best known for lubing up models and celebrities for dominatrix-themed magazine spreads, hosts a charity event for Amaryllis Farm Equine Rescue at his farm in Bridgehampton, corralling an impressive haul of across-the-pond expats such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna, and real live Brit Stella McCartney. Before you crash—and you must—motor over to philanthropist Chad Leat’s Bridgehampton digs for a summer gala thrown by dance group MoveOpolis, so named for choreographer Richard Move. “One person said something quite funny—that finally someone was going to bring some culture to one of the Hamptons events!” Mr. Move told us.  read more »

Death-Grip Socialite Battle in Hamptons! The unstoppable East End serves up yet another bloody battle, this time between LongHouse Reserve and Guild Hall. In this corner, LongHouse hosts a “conversation” with artist Chuck Close, led by Parrish Art Museum director Terrie Sultan and followed, as is customary, by a wine reception “on the grounds.” And in the other corner, Guild Hall throws its summer gala at Mulford Farm, with honorary chair Alec Baldwin, who can save the day by turning up in his Charles Nelson Reilly character. Guests include beleaguered Clinton cronies Susan and Alan Patricof—guess they were among the busloads who turned down Bill’s invite to his current Africa tour, though  read more »

Still don’t believe it’s August? Strap this on, suckers: Catie Lazarus, a writer for Saturday Night Live, hosts a comedic extravaganza featuring a cast of performers one never hears enough from, such as the madcap Jonathan Ames and HuffPo’s cleavage-swingin’ sister Rachel Sklar, not to mention Daily Show writer Rob Kutner. Each will entertain the audience with self-deprecating stories of their worst experiences in the funny business—oh, no!—after which they will share “their first jokes.” But wait—what’s this? Sacre bleu, we are saved! Opening night of Cirque du Soleil—in Newark! C’est magnifique!

[Catie Lazarus: Fresh Meat, Ars Nova, 511 West 54th Street, 8 p.m., www.arsnovanyc.com; Cirque du Soleil, Saltimbanco, Prudential Center Newark, 7:30 p.m., www.ticketmaster.com]

mbryan@observer.com

You know it’s August when the evening’s hottest ticket is a birthday party for a guy who hasn’t been among the living for 20 years. ...

Martini & Rossi, makers of the vermouth your grandparents swirled with gin to get stinky-drunk on late-afternoon martinis, sing the birthday song to Andy Warhol, who would have been 80 today. Guests horrified to be found in the city in August include actress Mena Suvari (who starred in Factory Girl, remember? we didn’t either!); bare-bummed sprite Alan Cumming; blissfully preggers Stacey Bendet of Alice + Olivia; on-again, off-again Heatherette designer Richie Rich; and design fairy  read more »

I Don’t: A Contrarian History of Marriage
By Susan Squire
Bloomsbury, 272 pages, $25.99

In the beginning, men and women were equal, because our cave-dwelling ancestors hadn’t figured out that sex—a communal pastime unencumbered by futuristic notions like coupledom—makes babies. It would take, according to Susan Squire’s riveting new book, I Don’t: A Contrarian History of Marriage, "hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of years"—until the advent of agriculture and the insights that accompany animal husbandry—before men experienced an "electrifying epiphany."

Unfortunately, "once the mystery of conception is solved and the idea of ownership is born … organized communal sex will never work again—and not for lack of trying," writes Ms.  read more »

“It gets a little nutty,” sighed the singer Rufus Wainwright at the 15th Annual Watermill Summer Benefit in Southampton on Saturday, July 26. “When they bring the horse in… there will be a horse. Being auctioned off. So that’ll be fun.”

The evening’s dress code was “decadent chic.” Mr. Wainwright wore a green leopard print suit (“It’s Viktor & Rolf. And they made it specifically for me”) over a shirtless, kind-of-hairy chest, accessorized with an avant-garde mass of jewels by Justin Giunta. “I actually wore it once for my Judy Garland concert in London,” he said, of the suit. “And for ‘decadent chic,’ I thought, There’s nobody more decadent or chic than Judy! So I took it out of the closet.  read more »

“I have not come across anybody like her. Anywhere,” said Steven Sebring, director of Patti Smith: Dream of Life, a documentary about the angsty, aging rock goddess. “She travels around the world and does poetry readings, or does performances, or does art; she does lectures on William Blake. … I have become like the uncle to her children. When she lost her brother to a heart problem, just after [her husband] Fred died, I sort of filled his shoes, so we’re very close.” Not all his best footage made it, he explained; such as one scene when “Patti’s riding in the back seat of my car, and she’s singing to Ella Fitzgerald, who’s on my radio—it just happened to be on my radio in my old Lincoln—and I couldn’t use that footage because I couldn’t afford the rights to Ella Fitzgerald.  read more »